All of us have fears, fears maybe like that of spiders, heights, the dark, death etc. All of these are perfectly normal to have and nothing to be ashamed of. One of my fears however almost brings tears to my eyes and something I try not to talk about, one I’m ashamed of. It’s my fear of mediocrity, of only being a joke to people and nothing more.
The ‘m’ word is one I use a lot for myself, to hurt myself and put me down. In my head there is nothing worse than being mediocre, because at least if you fail you are remembered for something. It’s a pattern in my mind that is almost impossible to revoke and follows me in everything such as: ‘I’m a mediocre actor’ or ‘My singing is just mediocre for what it should be’ and one day it will be too late to change that thought pattern. The worst part is confiding this fear to someone, because they will think I’m attention seeking or get annoyed. You can never truly win.
I know there are other people who feel the same, who may have that low view of themselves and I want them to know they aren’t alone. I wish I had a cure or something to help, but it’s all linked to self image. It’s again admitting you have a problem with self image and that your view of yourself isn’t the only one. That false view can be challenged, and mine is a long road ahead of the ‘not good enough’ voice and the Grammar school mindset I’m stuck in. I’m hoping it can change with work, but I’m not expecting massive steps in a short time.
Stick along me for the journey if you want!
Currently in the middle of 12 hour days at Rose, loving the games and group but hating the exhaustion and mental gymnastics.
As some of you may be aware, I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here is back on the air! Whilst many of you may despise the show, it has always been a family tradition of mine to tune in everyday during the run. There’s something so alluring about millionaires camping out and eating ostrich anus for meals. Along with that, you may have seen the name ‘Anne Hegerty’ around online news pages recently. This is because she is the first openly autistic participant on the show. As a person who has only recently found out their diagnosis, it has been a massive confidence boost. Whilst trying to come to terms with it, I can look at people like Anne and say ‘If she can do it, I sure bloody can too.’ Many traits I see in her I see in myself too, and it is so nice to relate to someone in the media like that.
However there is the other side to this. Whilst many are supportive of the publicity of autism, it’s not hard to find the negative ones calling her ‘pathetic’, her having and ‘easy 3 week holiday’ and her getting better treatment. What people need to understand is that as an autistic person, putting yourself on a show like that is already like a trial. All your rituals are destroyed, your privacy gone and all your senses are put into overdrive. Not to mention the sensory effects of bugs on autistic people (I almost vomit just at the trials). Everyday there can be a challenge for people with autism, and I applaud her for her bravery. As a person in a drama school, not many people are aware of the effects, but to watch her every night gives me hope to carry on and push through.
Sorry if this has been over the top, but I still feel very turbulent about the issue. It’s about time we talk about it.
Hope you’re enjoying the show!
This week was definitely an interesting one. Beginning with having a cough from all the standing in the cold was not wanted, but for the experience made it worth it. Additionally I decided to move out of my old flat and move downstairs to another room. This was big for me as I had just begun to feel settled in my room, but I could not live there anymore.
After the 5th day if constant parties, loud music, drinking and strangers I had had enough. The amount of panic attacks I was having was excessive, so I decided on the day to move, pack up my stuff and get out. It feels good to be somewhere else, more calming, and I’m proud of myself for getting out. When you see your environment becoming toxic for you, make a change and or get out as fast as you can. It’s better in the long run.
Today I also found out my diagnosis, and I have been formally diagnosed with High functioning Autism (Aspergers). It was kind of hard hitting, but also a relief. The intense feelings in my flat and all the noise were now justified in my mind, so many instances finally made sense. It’s a shame it took this long to recognise but I’m glad I did. A weight has been lifted and I finally know why I act so differently.
Living with this makes not much change however. I am still me, the same person but now with a diagnostic label. This means I can also make this blog about being anxious as an actor, but also how to act when you have autism and how it can’t stop you from achieving your goals.
Thank you for reading, will be back.